Robyn Vogel, MA, LMHC
Do you wish you could tell your partner what you are feeling more easily? Are you looking for a way to have a productive conversation without playing the blame and shame game? Do your “discussions” sometimes last into the wee hours of the night leaving you exhausted the next day?
When you have something important to share with your sweetie, you will need these 4 simple steps:
1. Choose the right time for ‘you’ to have the conversation (consider your time & your energy level)
2. Ask your partner if s/he is willing to talk at that time
3. Be willing to hear ‘no’ and ask for a better time
4. Schedule the conversation and agree to an ending time
Getting your partner to listen when s/he is not truly available can feel very frustrating — which only adds to an already charged situation.
If your experience is anything like mine used to be, your life is busy and it’s hard to fit time in for anything extra! It’s “easier” to avoid difficult conversations than approach them. You are frustrated because you often have to sift your way through the fog of blame and shame to get to clarity. You don’t feel deeply heard.
Several years ago, I learned there was a different way. Thank goodness! And I teach it to all of my clients!
You and your partner are going to love how easy this is for you both.
PRACTICE TIP: Sit together facing each other. Close your eyes and take some deep breaths together. Synchronize your breath for a few minutes (feel silly? keep going…trust the process, it works!) When you feel connected via your breath, open your eyes and look deeply at each other.
Make an agreement: one person will share at a time and the listener will reflect back what s/he heard…bit by bi
Slowly….switching speakers as needed. Use “I” statements. If you find yourself saying “YOU”, take a breath and start over! A do-over is a powerful tool to use! I recommend you limit your conversation to 1 hour max.
Now, what if you have something important to share with your partner, but feel like all you want to do is blame him (or her)? Here is exactly what you need to move forward and avoid a screaming match.
Take 5-10 minutes to journal what you are upset about (don’t skip this very important step!)
Re-read what you wrote and highlight every “you” or “s/he” and change them to “I” (this is called “the turn-a-round” according to Byron Katie’s The Work)
Look over the “I” statements and find nuggets of truth (leave the rest)
Now choose the right time for ‘you’ to have a conversation. Ask your partner if s/he is willing to talk at that time. Be willing to hear ‘no’ and ask for a better time. Schedule the conversation and agree to an ending time no more than 1 hour later.
You’ll want to take the steps above to heart and please share them with your partner. The idea here is that you don’t blame or shame your partner and s/he doesn’t do that to you!
It feels terrible to be on the receiving end of someone else’s blaming! “Well everything’s ruined and I’m upset because of YOU!” “I’m disappointed because you did this and you did that…and you made me feel this way or that way…and on and on and on.” We’ve all heard those words before. Sadly. And have those conversations been productive? Are they loving?
There’s more but I don’t want to give you too much at once. So begin with the invitation above (the steps) – and practice as often as you can.
You and your partner are on your way to deeper love already! Congratulations!
Robyn Vogel, MA, LMHC
Robyn Vogel, MA, LMHC, is a psychotherapist and intimacy coach who serves the community by offering counseling to couples. For 20+ years, she has been supporting others in creating more love in their lives. Robyn has been trained in several body-oriented modalities which support her spiritual approach to healing and her deep connection to this work. Some of those include: Conscious Communication, Family Mediation, Internal Family Systems, Sex Coaching and Yoga Therapy. To contact Robyn Vogel, please call 508-380-9254 to schedule a free consultation.
Parenting Matters is a collaboration between the Colonial Times Magazine and the Town of Lexington Human Services Department. This column is not intended as a substitute for therapy and the contents are do not necessarily reflect the views of CTM’s editorial staff. The information contained in Parenting Matters is for general information purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for the advice of a mental health professional, diagnosis or treatment.
